How to go from Social Anxiety to Quiet Confidence

My childhood was a good one.

From some of the stories you hear, I am very grateful for the life I have been given.

But my experience of childhood and life up until my early 20s was largely filled with social anxiety. And I am writing about this topic as people reach out to me saying the same.

I would constantly get embarrassed. This led to a fear of getting embarrassed in front of people in social situations....which led to me getting embarrassed even more haha. Shock, I know. It engulfed my life

Memories that pop into my mind now:

- crying in my room as I didn't want to go to tin whistle class and have to play and get embarrassed like I always did. I dreaded it

- freezing at a tin whistle competition and holding onto my mam when it was my turn to go up. The man came down to try help me up but I ignored him and clung to mam until it all went away. I didn't go up

- looking in the mirror at home on my own, and still getting embarrassed. It just happened so easily. I didn't understand it or know how I will ever overcome this?

Introversion: 2 Sides of the Coin

I never talked much, I lived mostly in my head.

I was hyper-aware of EVERYTHING. Myself, and those around me.

My main asset now is my introversion. My capacity & love for introspection and learning. But it was a vice in my life for a long time. I didn't have the blueprint that I have now.

Playing sport was when I could be at ease. Nobody is focusing on me, and if they are it's on the ball.

I could get out of my head too, let go and be in the moment. Being good at sport also helped.

The locker rooms before the games I hated haha but out on the pitch I loved it.

I would wonder how some people are so confident? How do they not get embarrassed?

Even when they do silly shit that SHOULD be embarrassing?! They don't seem phased at all. Oblivious even.

I guess that's why they say ignorance is bliss. Because social anxiety is not. It's easier to just stay alone and at peace

I would actually just love just working up a sweat anyway. That would put me at ease. Why? Because my face would go red from running, and so if I got embarrassed people wouldn't know. I could relax then.

The Usual Advice Doesn't Cut It

The general advice is to "just do it more".

Just do it, and you will get better at it.

Yes, partly true. But that's the 3rd step. We are skipping step 1 and 2.

If you want to public speak, just doing public speaking isn't necessarily going to be the answer.

You could get much better progress by going to toastmasters for example and learn all about public speaking.

If you just started public speaking more, your beliefs around social interaction & speaking MAY OR MAY NOT CHANGE.

And if they don't change, you will not reach the level of public speaking that you want.

You will still be plagued by the same insecurities, which will play out in your reality of public speaking.

Following this general approach of 'just doing it more' you have:

- No INSIGHT

- No UNDERSTANDING

- No idea WHY this is happening

And if you are a curious cat like me, you usually need to understand things on a deeper level before you can fully latch onto it and get the progress you want.

It's like saying "just go repair your car".....yeah I'll slowly get better at learning how to repair a car if I just show up at the mechanics' garage and start working.

But if I was given:

- The BLUEPRINT

- Shown the PROCESS

- An UNDERSTANDING of how cars work on a deeper level

.........then this is how I will learn to be a great mechanic over time.

Rather than fix one or 2 things and not really know how or why, and then never become the mechanic I could have been.

Now anytime my car breaks down, I can't handle it myself and always need outside help as I never understood the bigger picture and WHY behind it.

The goal here long term is for you to be the MECHANIC OF YOUR OWN MIND.

And to do that, we need to address the 3 steps:

1. Understanding that your social anxiety stands on a foundation of DISEMPOWERING BELIEFS

2. The second step is understanding how beliefs actually work on a deeper level

3. Dismantling the old beliefs and stepping into new empowering beliefs. (the cultivation & practice is in here. The doing it)

The takeaway here is that the bedrock of your BELIEFS around what it is that you are doing is crucial. For social anxiety, and for anything else. It will be clear by the end.

And for social anxiety, we will obviously address your beliefs around social interaction (it also includes beliefs about yourself - but that's a topic for another newsletter. I know this one will be long enough as it is!)

Stop Thinking of the Pink Elephant

It makes so much sense now looking back.

My whole focus was on THE THING I WAS AFRAID OF.

And where your attention goes, energy flows.

This then becomes your reality, and you are consumed by it.

You know this one: DON'T think about pink elephants.....and what do you think about? pink elephants

"DON'T think about getting embarrassed Mark"......and what do I think about? Getting embarrassed of course.

And then you become so self-conscious and acutely aware of your sweaty hands, your body heating up, everyone's eyes on you, your face starting to burn.........and here we are again.

It Doesn't Have to Be This Way

I used to get embarrassed all the time. I even remember looking in the mirror to see if I could just get comfortable doing this first.....but of course I got embarrassed looking in the mirror and I walked out of the bathroom.

Now I can't remember the last time my face burned. The last time I felt so embarrassed that it paralysed me. And stopped me from doing what I wanted to do.

And as you'll see by the end, part of the way to overcoming it long term is learning to FORGET ABOUT IT over time. And this starts with not caring if it happens. (we'll come full circle to here after we explore it in depth. Saying 'dont care about it' isn't going to work either. We need to go deeper)

Remember the boogeyman under your bed that you were terrified of? (or whatever scared you as a kid - mine was witches. Mam remembers going to a play when I was younger and the witch from Snow White....holy lord I was terrified. She jumped out and one stage and scared the shit out of me!! Wouldn't stop crying and we had to go home I think! hahaha)

The boogeyman only has power over you because you are AFRAID to look under the bed. The witch only had power over me because I was AFRAID to look behind my wash basket where I thought she was hiding.

Once you CONFRONT these issues and look for them, you will find they disintegrate. That it was all an illusion in your mind. But an illusion can become your reality if you put your sole focus on it for years. And never question it.

Choose Cultivation of the Mind over Wishful Thinking

Your reality doesn't change by wishful thinking.

Your life changes by identifying your beliefs and dismantling the disempowering ones that are keeping you stuck.

Your beliefs will shape your reality, whether you are aware of them or not.

Disempowering beliefs deep in your subconscious will continue to run your life no matter how much you 'wish' or 'manifest' the reality that you want.

It's like 'wishing' to be confident, when you have deep rooted beliefs that you are unworthy. That you have nothing to share.

Wish all you want, but if you truly believe you are unworthy and have nothing to share, how would you ever become confident? Pretty simple, you won't. (Until you dismantle this belief)

And then we'll go down the route of thinking its something to do with us specifically, as wishful thinking worked for Karen.

No, wishful thinking did not work for Karen. She either subconsciously changed her beliefs without knowing, or else its a front and she is still insecure deep down.

There is no monster under your bed. There is no witch behind the washbasket.

There is no world judgment day when you speak up.

People don't care you get embarrassed Marcus.

All these things are coming from your beliefs, which are not empowering ones at all. Life doesn't have to be like this for you.

I didn't know this process I am talking about when I started to slowly become more confident and put myself out there.

But looking back now it's very clear how I started to overcome this social anxiety.

It all started with INFORMATION .......which challenged a current belief I had and shattered it.

And once that belief was shattered, I was able to embody new beliefs which were so much more EMPOWERING.

I could start small gaining my way towards the person I wanted to become.

I could take off the mask and start to be myself.

I could share things I was passionate about with the world

I could move forward in the world without this social anxiety holding me back

Go for the Root Cause - Challenge Your Disempowering Beliefs

You hold beliefs around interacting in the world that are not facilitating the life you want to live.

It's that simple.

For social anxiety and for anything else.

But that wouldn't have made sense to me back then. And it probably doesn't make sense to you now. So let's dive into it.

What do you BELIEVE about interacting with other humans? (I'll use my example of younger me).

I believed:

- People were hyper-focused on me

- People were judging me constantly

- I needed to show up in a way that would make me likeable to others, to fit in

- I am not confident. I am shy, I have nothing useful to say etc

You could keep going, but that's enough to work with there.

Because I believed that people were hyper-focused and judging me, that is where my ENERGY & ATTENTION would go to.

And so that became my reality - every interaction was about how I thought I was perceived by others, and a high level of social anxiety as a result.

YOUR BELIEFS ARE THE TEMPLATES THROUGH WHICH ENERGY FLOWS FOR YOU.

When you hold a certain belief, you subconsciously filter out all data to the contrary. And your sole focus is on the data that confirms your belief.

There is other data out there that would be more empowering to you, but you focus on this disempowering data like a laser beam. And this becomes your life.

(example: Believing in God vs being atheist. Your beliefs filter out the data that supports the other side. You will only receive the data that supports your CURRENT belief.....until you start to become open-minded about your belief and question it. I was a devout Christian, then atheist, now I'm agnostic. I think back to how I was as a Christian - I 1000% believed in it. I said my prayers like a madman. I remember conversations with some people trying to convince me it wasn't true. I literally blocked it out so much subconsciously that I can't even remember what their argument was. God is real, and that's it. You don't know what you are talking about. I heard saying a rosary could stop wars and I was up in my room saying it, for fear of being a bad person if I didn't. I could make a difference here and help people. You can see how your beliefs become your reality. I have lived many different beliefs and become engrossed in them, as I believe that people are good and would only tell me the truth (oho, I BELIEVED this, but not anymore as that's not an empowering belief. That makes you naieve and pulled in all different directions. There are 'good' and 'bad' in all humans). But it's all so clear to me now. There is no 'truth'. There are your beliefs, and your beliefs create YOUR REALITY. WE ARE ALL HERE LIVING DIFFERENT REALITIES SIMULTANEOUSLY. You will now see how people seem to just be completely different to you. I used to never understand how people could disagree with my bulletproof logic on a topic I thought deeply about. The answer is we have different beliefs, so the logic is irrelevant. They will only let in data that supports their belief through their filter. And the majority of the world is doing this subconsciously. They don't know the deeper layers on how beliefs actually work)

One day I came across information either on a podcast or in a book (you see how ownership and education is key to get progress in anything), and it was talking about studies around social anxiety.

I remember 2 things that were in there. And it hit me like a ton of bricks and gave me such relief. A weight was lifted.

In a social situations, when we think everyone is focusing on us, here is what REALLY happens. Usually 2 outcomes. And as you will see, the 2 outcomes are POSITIVE, not negative.

Let's use a worst-case scenario example for me, the thing I was afraid of. And you'll see how my belief around social interaction was so distorted:

Example: me getting up speaking in front of people or in a social interaction in a group. Messing up or saying something stupid and becoming so embarrassed that everyone can see. Face burning, sweating, and not fitting in

But here's the reality of what really happens. Two scenarios:

1. People look at you. They see you get embarrassed. Maybe they laugh, maybe they don't. Whatever. But within LESS THAN A MINUTE from when this interaction ends, they are back worrying about THEIR OWN SHIT. They ACTUALLY DON'T CARE. They ARE NOT FOCUSING ON YOU like you think they are

2. People look at you and see you get embarrassed. They see that you are not a cocky arrogant prick, clearly, as you wouldn't get embarrassed if you were. They actually have EMPATHY for you and will tend to LIKE YOU MORE, as they can resonate with your vulnerable moment

And there we have it. My beliefs were SHATTERED.

I think people are focusing on me, I think people won't like me.......but what's really happening?

When I get embarrassed they either:

- A: Don't care

- B: Like me more

hahaha ahhhhhhhh god. It's all so silly isn't it?!

Most of my life (about 20+ years) were spent with false beliefs about social interaction, which hindered my life.

Once this information shattered those old beliefs, I was able to step into more empowering beliefs. And start to slowly gain confidence.

I could get on the SMALL GAIN TRAIN with my confidence and share my authentic voice, just like I tell you with mobility and anything in life.

Any perceived 'big gain'.......is literally just an ACCUMULATION OF SMALL GAINS OVER TIME. You can use the amazing power of small gains to your advantage for anything in this life.

If you follow me on Instagram or other social media and think I am 'confident'......well now you know my past.

I couldn't even say the word confident without sweating and my face burning until I was about 25.

The fact that I am writing about confidence now is something I honestly never thought would be happening. But here we are.

Good things happen when you don't settle eh young Marcus?! ;)

Entering a New Reality

So to recap. If you have social anxiety you probably believe something similar to what I did:

- People are hyper focused on you

- They are judging you constantly

- You won't fit in

When in actual fact its more like:

- They don't actually care

- They like you more for the fact that you are humble and not cocky

Once you work on ingraining this new belief by focusing on the data that shows you this......you will start to act in accordance with this over time.

You will EXPERIENCE life differently. You will enter a NEW REALITY

How differently would you act if you knew that even if you get embarrassed people don't give a shit, and for any that do - they will just like you more?!

You wouldn't care anymore. And over time you would drop it and it doesn't even enter your mind anymore (to link back to the start of not caring).

And whenever it does pop up, you remind yourself of the truth of how people interact, and you keep cultivating this belief that nobody actually cares, and has enough shit going on in their own life to deal with.

I mean think about it.......the world doesn't revolve around you?! Why would someone REALLY care what you do? They don't. They care about themselves and what THEY do. Just like you are.

If it doesn't go away, go full tilt and PURPOSELY EMBARRASS YOURSELF..........and see how it still doesn't matter. You didn't die. And people still don't give a shit. And how it never mattered like you thought it did.

Things only have a hold over you once you live in fear of them.

FOCUS

The main thing is that it's not a FOCUS for you anymore. You aren't focusing on others' perceptions of you because it's irrelevant.

You are focusing on the actual conversation that's happening and enjoying it.

You are living in the EXPERIENCE, not living in your head.

You are interacting with this person in real-time, not interacting with your disempowering beliefs floating around your head.

How many times do you ruminate in your head about a meeting with a person (whether friend or date), and plan out what you are going to say, and how it might go etc......only for it to not go at all like you planned? Same for a presentation?

Or spend days dissecting it afterwards about what you shoulda/coulda/woulda said?! It's a complete waste of your time and life. I can tell you that from experience. A large part of my life has been filled with this.

It doesn't actually move you forward in any way. It just holds you back and keeps you looping in the same spiral of disempowerment.

Let's say for a presentation, you need to prepare of course. And maybe for a date you have some topics to chat about if the chat dies down...ok cool.

But it should be LEFT THERE. You have done the preparation, THAT'S IT.

You don't need to think about it for the next week in advance, this anxiety is doing nothing for your life. It's not helping the outcome (if anything it hinders it and heightens anxiety), and it's only taking away from your experience of life.

Do the prep. Then you FOCUS on things you need to focus on in work and life now. In the present.

You leave future Marcus job to him. Instead of trying to work through Marcus past, handle his present, and worry about all his future interactions at the same time.

What a DRAINING life. But that's you Marcus. And most other people. When it doesn't have to be.

Introspection as a Practice

This of course takes PRACTICE

Treat your mental training just like your physical training.

You have a physical practice, where's your mental one? Your introspective practice?

Who wants a healthy fit mobile body.......but their experience of life is shit? And not what they want.

You can work on this just like you did with your body.

It's a PROCESS you follow and work on, there are no quick fixes.

You can practice FOCUSING on data that confirms this new belief that people don't care or else they like you more.

Focus on this data and you will find it. Here's an example:

- Next time someone does something embarrassing, listen to people. See how quickly they turn the conversation to something else and its forgotten about in the next few mins. That person probably is still thinking about that incident for hours, years or decades thinking other people are...........when those people who saw it couldn't give a shit and had forgotten about it mere minutes later

And here's the best example that helped me.......think about HOW YOU REACT to someone getting embarrassed. Use your own data. For me:

- I feel for them. I know what it's like to be embarrassed.

- I LIKE THEM MORE because I can resonate with them

- I WANT THEM TO DO WELL. I will support them with a kind word afterward if I know them

- I connect with them more as they are not arrogant or cocky

- Very quickly I am back to worrying about my own situation and if I will have to speak or answer a question

And once I did this I can see the fucking irony.

The irony that we all worry about this same shit, thinking each other cares so much when WE DON'T.

We think others care when we get embarrassed but yet we don't care when they do?!

This is the paradox of humans. The smartest species on planet earth. The most ADAPTABLE SPECIES in the world. Went from climbing trees in Africa to conquering the world and flying rockets to other planets...............but yet we live out these contradictions each and every day.

We are the 'logical' creature, but yet most of our thoughts are COMPLETELY ILLOGICAL.

What was our best weapon, became our greatest enemy.

All because we don't understand how our body and brain work.

All because we weren't given the blueprint.

Example of Beliefs Impacting my Life Now

I am working on it. I've got the blueprint for your body in my Physical Freedom program to overcome your chronic pain & injuries and get you back to the things you love to do.

I will create a Mental Freedom program too. Don't you worry. I help some current clients in this area too already. As I tell clients when they sign up, I will help you as much or as little as you want across body, mindset & life.

My goal is to turn the poison from my life into medicine for others to help them through things I struggled with. My obsessive personality and thirst for learning will make me delve into these topics much more than most people ever will.

That's another vice I turned into a superpower. I will use it to bring the world information that will change their life, just like mine has been changed.

That's the goal, the medium doesn't matter to me. I am a teacher at heart. This is my calling. Every job I have ever been in up to now making my passion my career.......I was never the 'best', but I was always one of the best TEACHERS.

I take complex topics and I teach them in a way people can understand. This is what I get told now with clients, and what I've been told from the start in my very first job.

Listen to the world, it will give you feedback on what it needs from you to make it a better place. To do your part for humanity.

People I've met have asked me am I a life coach? Around 5 people have wrote to me in the DMs asking me to write a book.

These are things I would shy away from, laugh at, die inside at the thoughts of it from younger Marucs......but why? PEOPLE are telling you this Mark, not you. Just like when they asked for help with mobility.

The fact that I can talk about these things now is down to me understanding how beliefs work. That I know whatever belief I hold, the data will filter through it.

If I BELIEVE that I CAN'T write about these things, well then of course I'll over-focus on some twat writing to me saying "who are you to talk about X".

And just like the social anxiety before, that could paralyse me and I'll live in fear and never write another piece of content again. On instagram, through email, anything.

If I BELIEVE that I CAN write about anything I have gained wisdom & insights on through my own experience & education, then I will focus on people who say they love it and it's helped change their life, and THAT will become my reality.

If I BELIEVE that no matter what you do in life, there will be people who talk shit.....then those who talk shit won't matter will they? I understand they are operating on beliefs that only let them take in data that show them I don't know what I'm talking about. And that is their reality. Cool. But it's not mine.

The ironic thing is we have so much more control than we think.

Over our body, mindset & life.

I'll Believe in You Until You Believe in Yourself

Like I just read on my break today: "Most people don't need more information. Sometimes they just need someone to believe in them before they learn to believe in themselves"

A fitting way to end this email. You don't need anymore info than this to get started. You just need to get to work.

You may not believe in yourself yet, but I do.

I see the authentic version of you in there, and I'm telling you it's ok to let them out.

I will be your guide until you can believe in yourself and move forward toward the person you want to become. Until you are empowered.

What do I use the word 'emPOWERed'?

Because it's when you feel POWERful.

Once you go from powerless to powerful, your life will never be the same again. Now you are on the journey with me. We both go forward spreading the power.

Helping people take charge of their life, sharing their authentic voice, and becoming the person they want to be and doing the things they want to do.

It's a good life. I have never been happier, more at peace and content with my life. And we are just getting started.

It's like playing a video game and only getting the cheat codes 30 years in. I got 70 to go so I'm excited to play and see what levels we can take it to.

I want this for you. And digging into your bedrock of beliefs is where it all starts.

3 Actionable Takeaways:

1. Understand how your social anxiety stands on disempowering beliefs

- You have beliefs around social interactions that are not true

- This is the root of your social anxiety

- Change your beliefs, and you will change your reality

2. Understand how beliefs work

- Your beliefs are templates through which energy flows for you

- You hyper focus on the data that supports the dismpowering belief currently

- Dismantle old beliefs, embody new ones

3. Cultivate & practice

- Step into the new beliefs that will enable you to be 'confident'

- Now its a process of cultivation over time just like physical training

- Keep working on it and you will become 'confident' in time

My Week:

Education:

Current Reading: The Denial of Death

Podcasts

(The School of Greatness - Your Personal Guide to Self Discovery: Dr. Nicole LePera)

(Modern Wisdom Podcast #559 - What Use is the Female Orgasm?: Dr. David Puts)

(Modern Wisdom Podcast #563 - Why You Feel So Anxious All The Time: Dr Russell Kennedy)

Business:

This weeks client win is Frances! She came to me after a maissoneuve fracture (leg break and torn ankle ligaments). She lives in Australia but had a friends wedding to get back to in Ireland.

The doctors told her to stay in the boot and crutches until after the wedding. She wouldn't be able to travel home......but luckily Frances read this newsletter about me recovering from the exact same injury funnily enough in half the time. She knew it was her only chance at getting back......and she signed up. Read it here - "If you cant do what you want, do what you CAN"

And not only did she make it back to the wedding, she was even able to have a bit of a dance!!!!

Class. Delighted for Frances :) That's why we do it!!!

Just like I tell you every week on Instagram - humans are the most ADAPATBLE species on the planet. You have a lot more control over your body, mindset & life than you know.

It's one thing to understand it, but its a totally different beast once you LIVE IT. Now Frances has.

You will never look at your body the same way again after my Physical Freedom program, I can guarantee you that.

Business end of year review:

I am finished up for the year now and am taking 2 weeks off. I never take weeks off during the year as I do what I love. But it's important to take this time with family and friends. No matter what you do, nothing matters more than that.

Reviewing the year, the business has progressed on from last year. SMALL GAINS just like we focus on with everything else ;). Going through the numbers I had a moment where I realised that I am basically making the same take home pay that I had in Facebook 3 years ago. When I quit to pursue this passion and make it my career.

I am usually quite tough on myself and keep pushing. But if you offered me that 3 years ago, to have the same money doing something I love, I'd have bitten your hand off with no takebacks!!! I'm grateful to be here and proud of past Marcus who always BELIEVED in himself. He didn't settle for the 9-5 life and that was the catalyst that led all the way to here. There are many ways to win, but only one way to lose - giving up. The Don't Settle Attitude ensures I can never lose.

I appreciate all past, current and future clients. I appreciate everyone of you readying this email who has been following my free content and have been on the journey with me. I hope you have gained some inspiration and education over the weeks/months/years, however long you have been following!!!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas with your families/friends, and we'll start chasing the small gains with our body, mindset and life from January ;)

Personal:

Fun this week:

- Some client pints on Friday!

- World Cup Sunday

Training:

Monday: Leg session (knee rehab)

Tuesday: Upper (push)

Wednesday: One arm chin up session

Thursday: Leg session (knee rehab)

Friday: Upper (push)

That's it!

Now you see how your reality is coming from your beliefs.

You have beliefs that lead to your social anxiety.

You can dismantle them and cultivate new beliefs around social interaction that will make those levels of anxiety a thing of the past.

By the way, you already are 'confident'. If you weren't, you wouldn't understand what confidence is, and you wouldn't be able to recognise it in other people.

You have data to show you that you are confident, and you have data to show you that you are not. Up to you which one you focus on from here. (you could pull examples of both from your life)

Where attention goes, energy flows. And that will become your reality.

A more empowered life is on the other side of those SMALL GAINS.

Go get after them.

Don't Settle,

Mark