How to Find Your Path to a Life of Integrity

The story of how I found out integrity was one of my highest values always sticks with me.

It’s one of those moments that changes your life forever going forward. A turning point.

I was a door-to-door salesman for one summer during college. My brother was the manager and gave me the job in Galway.

One of the toughest jobs I have ever done. Great experience and I would recommend it to people for their first-ever job.

Why? It teaches you to handle REJECTION. You knock on 100 doors a day, and get rejected 97-100 times on average. EVERYDAY.

If you can’t:

• check the ego

• learn not to take it personally

• that it's a game of numbers and constant learning/iteration

…….you won’t last a week. And some people don’t.

I was by no means a great salesman, I was somewhere between ‘average’ and ‘good’ by the time I left. I was very shy so I had to overcome a lot of this.

I hate being pushy or forcing anyone to do anything (as I hate when people do this to me), so you can see how much of a challenge for me this was! But you have to leave your comfort zone to grow.

I naturally would sway towards telling people the info, being nice and friendly, and basically having a take it or leave it approach (and that it makes no difference to me).

While this was just me being honest…….it’s actually a sales tactic too apparently haha. Learned this in the training each morning. It’s a tactic called ‘indifference’. It’s not a tactic to me, it’s just how I operate due to my personality and integrity even to this day. But now I understand why it works.

Here’s what I can do for you. Here are my own results. Here are client results. If you want it, cool, let's do it! If not, cool, it’s your life. I’ll put my effort and focus into those who are ready.

This was my approach at the doors. It’s my approach to this day with my business. While you don’t get as many sales, you get better fits and you do it in a way that isn’t compromising integrity. It takes playing the long game too but if you follow me on Instagram you know I’m all about that! The long term DOMINATION….over the short term gratification.

I won’t be on my deathbed wishing I had an extra X amount of money by compromising my values. I would only be filled with regret.

This was the only way I could get on board with ‘sales’, as snake oil salesmen do my head in. I hate it. It always triggered me and still does to this day.

Lying to someone for money? What does that say about you as a man? As a human? Doesn’t say a lot in my opinion. If you place money as your highest value at any cost - you can be bought to do anything. You are a puppet to the powerful. A person of no integrity.

I did make some sales through my ‘indifference’ and kindness, but never killing it of course. Some weeks I made up near 1k, other weeks I made €50 (one sale). No killer instinct to go for the sale and push people as it never sat right with me.

I found out back then that my real natural skill is being a TEACHER. I wasn’t great at sales, but I was great at training people.

One person I trained got 6 sales on his first day I think? Anyway, he did well. I loved teaching when I could get over my shyness. And it’s what also has led me here to be a coach. Teaching things I am passionate about is all I want to do in this life in terms of a ‘career’.

Now that you have the background, let’s go to the specific memory that changed it all for me.

One day doing the rounds I got invited into an old couple's house. I had pitched at the door as usual and we got chatting. They were very kind and invited me in for tea and some food. SAVAGE haha in I go!

We chat for ages and they are so nice. Eventually then I’m like oh shit yeah I’m here to sell them internet!! I break down the bill as we are taught (to show them the savings they will make).

When I finish they will literally be only saving €7 a month. BUT…..and a big but….the main reason they have the landline connection (internet & phone) is to call their daughter in Australia. And these calls might be cut off if they switch to what I’m selling. I don’t know. It’s fucking UTV internet, I didn’t even hear of it before this taking this job.

It’s now crunch time, the older man gets up “Mary…you talk to the nice man…I’m going to go into the back room” or something along those lines. Mary doesn’t want him to leave. She uncomfortably asks him to stay but he is already gone.

It’s time to close but I felt sick to my stomach. This isn’t right.

We are told to close the sale. To be invited into a house and getting to this final stage is nearly a sure close if you have conviction with it. You have built up trust and rapport by now. So they will trust your word and judgement. We are told to not take no for an answer unless they say it 3 times or more.

I know I can close this. This lady won’t even say no once. She trusts me and she’s too kind. I can see she also misses her daughter and I was definitely a high dose of nostalgia for her. She would probably give me the watch on her wrist for my company for another hour.

I’m sitting here uneasy in my seat. Thinking what the fuck am I doing here…….am I really going to take advantage of this old lady treating me like a son for the last hour…..make her sign up for the sake of saving €7 a month and potentially cut off phone calls to her daughter?! What if someone was doing this to MY GRANNY. I’d put their head through the wall.

Enough is enough.

I stood up, thanked her for the tea and hospitality, told her that this deal is not worth it, being able to call their daughter is the most important thing. I apologised for making her feel uneasy and I left.

I wasn’t sure exactly what had happened at the time. But seeing it in hindsight with improved self-awareness and understanding, it's as clear as day. Deep down integrity was one of my highest values. And acting against my highest values made me feel like shit.

That was the moment things changed for me. I didn’t know anything about self-awareness, about values, about integrity, I didn’t know about any of these things. But I knew I was never going to do something like that again.

As JBP says - “your conscience will point you towards your values”. And reflecting on that years afterward, I see that’s exactly what happened.

My conscience was screaming at me that I was not acting out of INTEGRITY. I didn’t know on a higher level, but my body was telling me on a visceral level. That sickening feeling, that was me acting against my number one value in this life: INTEGRITY. Living a life TRUE TO MYSELF

Google says integrity is - “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles”. This is the man I wanted to be but was shying away from. I was still finding myself as a lad in his early 20s. But now it was hitting me in the face: INTEGRITY MATTERS. Don’t go against this for money, for praise, for popularity, for ANYTHING anymore.

When I left and told the story to another salesman I was mocked. Called a ‘pussy’ and the likes. But again this is where more things started to change.

I started to not give a fuck what people like this say. This guy clearly has no integrity…..so why would I care what he is saying?! I don’t want to be like him. So why would his advice/opinion hold any weight with me? The reality is that it doesn’t. And it didn’t anymore.

One of the best pieces of wisdom I ever heard on how to decide if you should accept advice from other people: “does the shoe fit?……or was it more a mould of THEIR foot?”. And here, it was a complete mould of his foot. So he can keep it. It’s not the shoe I want.

I used to want to fit in. To TRY to fit in. The only place I really felt like I fit in and could confidently be myself was the soccer pitch. But the more you try to ‘fit in’, the more you LOSE YOURSELF. This was a huge realisation for me.

I would prefer to be alone and myself, than a fake version of me to fit in. And there will always be people who you resonate with in terms of values - you just haven't found them yet.

I probably started to love reading/listening to podcasts as I could resonate with them more than people in my surrounding. They tell you that you are are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. They don’t tell you books, podcasts etc still COUNT.

And what did I notice after acting this way? Out of integrity? RELIEF. CONTENTMENT. PEACE.

I was PROUD. The feedback told me everything I needed to know.

So why am I telling you this? Because I know you have felt the same feeling I did that day in that lovely ladies house. I know you have felt sick to your stomach from acting in a way that makes your skin crawl.

Deep down you know that ISN’T YOU. That ISN’T who you want to be……..but you did it anyway. To fit in, to be prasied, for a partner, for a loved one, from peer pressure. You did it and you felt like shit and may not even know why. But now you do.

We all go through this stage of life. You feel lost. You don’t know who you are or who you want to be. This could happen in your 20s, in your 40s, in your 60s, or maybe never at all in your life as you shy away from it and never confront these feelings. You live in ignorance, not happy with who you are. When it doesn’t have to be that way.

After that moment…..for the first time in my life I was realising that I may not know who I want to be……but I know who I DON’T want to be. (and this is useful starting off as you will see in the action steps at the end).

Flipping it on its head makes it easier to start.

Rather than build a marble statue of who you want to be. You have this big lump of marble that you slowly chip away at to remove the parts you DON’T want. Over time…..you will be left with who you REALLY ARE. The person of integrity who is aligned with their values and acting in accordance with them.

The Path to Your Integrity (Life Experience & Your Conscience will guide you)

Life experience is the key on the part towards a life of integrity.

How can you know who you want or don’t want to be……if you haven’t lived?

It's like not knowing the driver you want to be, yet you’ve never even been behind the wheel once.

This is key because it won’t just land on your lap. You won’t know who you want to be without having life experience and reflecting on it and what it is teaching you. You need to sail the treacherous seas of emotional introspection and find what lies beneath.

The more life experience we get, the more we will be pointed towards realisations like I had above.

The moment where you ACTUALLY pay attention and delve into it is up to you. It may happen after 1 experience, it may take 100. We all have to take ownership in our own life if we want things to change. To find out who we really are deep down.

Without these experiences, I wouldn’t have realised this until much later in my life.

But going on from this experience, I have many more examples of how I acted out of integrity going forward. More situations I am proud of. More situations that SHAPED me, and who I am today.

One that comes to mind is being taken advantage of in a previous job. I was being worked like a dog (we were understaffed) and the increase in my salary didn’t come through for the 3rd month in a row after a promotion and all the extra responsibility I had.

After I handed in my notice I was offered a few grand to stay for another 2 weeks as I had all the responsibility and knowledge they needed. Even though I had got to final round interviews in 3 other companies but didn’t get any of them…….I said no. My integrity meant more to me than a few grand. Even at a young age where that was a decent bit of money. I left and was jobless. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat

2 months later I was in a job in Facebook on nearly double the wage and absolute night and day in terms of how I was treated. The respect I was given. You don’t get what you deserve, you get what you SETTLE for. The reality is you teach people how to treat you in this life. What you tolerate, they will replicate. Another huge lesson for me.

I used to be the nice guy people pleaser who will help anyone at my own expense. Harmless, nice, friendly. I was for most of my life. But these experiences showed me that’s not a way to live. That’s not what a ‘good man’ is. What is a good man?

”A good man is not a harmless man, a good man is a very dangerous man who has it under voluntary control” - JBP

Now I am still kind, still friendly……..but there is a line. If you cross it, there are consequences in how I act towards you. In terms of respect, in terms of aggression, even in terms of violence if it ever comes to that (hopefully it won’t but I’m ready if it ever does).

THIS is what a good man is. If you roll over to people taking advantage of you (mentally or physically), you will always be at the whims of people like this. The world is full of wolves. Become a sheepdog, not a sheep. The world also has enough sheep.

Where does your conscience fit in here?

You need to have life experience, but it’s your CONSCIENCE that is the GPS that leads you towards your integrity. If you are acting in certain ways and feel like shit, or like you don’t want to do it - PAY ATTENTION. This isn’t happening for no reason.

You need to listen internally, reflect on it, and see WHY that was happening? This journey of introspection will lead you to your integrity.

Feel uneasy agreeing to go to X event with friends? …….well maybe you didn’t want to go? And that’s ok.

Feel uneasy working your 9-5 everyday…..well maybe the 9-5 life isn’t for you…..and that’s ok.

You could pick out countless examples. And you can continue to ignore them. Or you can dive in and uncover the truth you are avoiding. The person you want to be but aren’t

3 Actionable Takeaways:

1. Don’t know who you want to be? You can start with who you DON’T want to be

• Start with noticing behaviors you DON’T like.

• Your conscience will guide you here (feel sick, uneasy with certain behaviours)

• Reflect on these and use them as insight into what integrity means for you (Analogy of chipping away at a marble statue)

2. Analyse the Values of People You Admire

• You are drawn to certain people for a reason

• You unconsciously aspire to be like them and align with some of their values

• Use this to lead you to your own values and integrity

• Until you ask these questions and slowly gain awareness of who you want to be, you will keep acting in ways that don’t align with your integrity

3. Start ACTING out of integrity

• Would you be doing the same thing if there were no people around? Or do you act differently?

• Live from integrity and your values rather than conforming to other's expectations

• This will bring you closer to living TRUE TO YOURSELF

• Living a life aligned with your integrity will bring you peace

Real-Life Example:

Diarmuid was a client who signed up as we had similar values in life! It’s important to resonate with the person you are looking to guide you.

I have had so many mentors and will continue to have more, but I only pick people I resonate with. I follow them for a while and make sure our values align.

For Diarmuid's full review, click here

If you are resonating with me, don’t be afraid to reach out to me on Instagram for a chat! 🙂

This Week

Education:

• Current Reading: Denial of Death (Ernst Becker)

• Podcasts (Jocko Podcast: To accomplish the impossible, we must DECIDE (with Nick Lavery) (The Koe Cast: How to get what you want out of life and your career)

Business:

Some client wins:

- Shane seeing his small gains finally adding up to some big gains overcoming chronic upper back pain!

- Sean with a big win in terms of his mindset around injuries and how to manage them! A fellow BJJ practitioner who hurt his knee recently at BJJ

Personal:

Fun this week:

• Monday/Tuesday: Was down in Belfast for the Authority Network Massive Action Day (my current business mentor’s live event). Good day and lots learned

Training:

• Just 1 upper and lower session so far. One arm chin up session tomorrow so will be 3 strength for this week

• Just 1 Jiu Jitsu session as missed Tuesday night being down in Belfast

• Not the best training week but its the consistency that counts over the long run!

Thanks for reading and hope it was useful/insightful!!

Have a great weekend 🙂

Don’t Settle,

Mark