My Biggest Life Lesson From My Most Painful Regret….....and How it Led Me to the Values & Life I Live Today

I’ve failed at many things in life.

And not because it wasn’t possible for me. It was mostly because of my mindset.

If you haven’t realised: people who teach on certain topics have usually struggled with it in their own lives. It has plagued them. This is why they care deeply about it.

I can see how NEGATIVELY your life can be impacted without the right mindset and making decisions from fear…..and I can also see the amazing benefits of having a more empowering mindset where you act from your VALUES.

I have experienced both sides of the coin. My aim is to show you the way to access the side of the coin that might be eluding you. The one that will get you PROGRESS. The one that will leave you at PEACE. The one that will make you PROUD OF YOURSELF.....which involves finding your values and living in congruence with them.

To do this, let's delve into one of my biggest personal failings. By the end you'll see how it has taught me one of my biggest life lessons, led me to my values, and has let me live the life I want and am proud of. And there will be a blueprint for you to do the same.

I thought I would make it as a professional soccer payer. Maybe even play for Man United one day (like 99% of kids probably but I'm not joking! haha).

I was one of the 'best’ soccer players in my town and county (Roscommon). You gravitate towards what you are good at as a kid naturally, and soccer was my thing. I loved it. All I wanted to do was play soccer.

I got told all the time how good I was, and even though I was so shy……I started to believe it. I would dread the dressing room before games if the older guys were there. I wished you could skip all that pre-match shite and just start the game. Once the game started I was at home. No talking, all action. That’s me. Don’t listen to me, WATCH ME.

Skip ahead to when things started picking up. U14 Kennedy cup (basically the All-Ireland for soccer you could say). All 32 counties have a team in the competition. Some big counties have more than one team.

I played for Roscommon and ended up captaining the side midway through it to the end of the tournament. We came 5th last I think, but we did have 1-0 lead against one of the Dublin sides until the last 10 minutes. Our best achievement.

5 players from the Roscommon team got called up to have trials for the Irish squad from it. I was one of them. I played in the trials and while I didn’t make the Irish squad, I was selected just underneath it which means I was put on the Connaught squad.

I think 2 or 3 of us Roscommon lads were picked for that squad, but I was the only one who ended up going. The others preferred Gaelic, but soccer was my dream.

This was now a nightmare dressing room-wise as I am on my own with a bunch of Galway, Mayo, Sligo, Leitrim lads!! Christ, I forget until look back at who I was and how I felt. I would dread going there every 2 weeks. The days it was cancelled I felt such relief. I’d be anxious in school just knowing afterward we were making that trip up to Castlebar for training.

I always went though as it was my dream to play soccer professionally. And there was no barrier. Other parents may not have committed to drive 90 mins....wait for 2-3 hours.....then a 90-minute journey home, for years. With not one complaint. My wonderful mammy would drive me to the fucking moon if there was an opportunity for me there. 

But it was only then that I realised its easy to be a big fish in a small pond. Now that I was in the vast ocean, I was a very small fish indeed. More like a tadpole. I wasn’t one of the best players anymore. I would have good and bad days. I could hold my own. But sometimes I would get destroyed.

I was usually right back (too small for centre back which was my position locally. Hadn’t shot up to 6”1 until I was maybe 17/18. I'm like 15/16 here I think?). And also unfortunately I was usually up against Daryl Horgan as the left winger hahaha for fuck sake (for those who don't know: Darly Horgan is one of the few who made it as a professional soccer player. Just google his name and you'll see. He has been capped for Ireland. Currently plays for Wycombe Wanderers in League One in England, 2 divisions below the Premier League).

So as you might guess, he was fucking unbelievable. You see people playing on tv and think meh. But when you are on the pitch against them, you see the difference. Couldn’t touch him. On my best day I might put it up to him, but usually I was getting smoked down the wing.

Over 2 years playing on this Connaught squad of about 30 players, I never made the 5 that were called up to the Ireland squad every 3 months or so. The dream was coming to an end.

My mindset was just that I’m not good enough. I can see the gulf between me and the likes of Daryl. A true reality check for me every 2 weeks. A big hit to my ego and belief in myself.

My mindset wasn’t that I can play the long game, check my ego, train smart, and chase the small gains with consistency & intent. That I can slowly SMALL GAIN my way up that gap just like I did now with mobility, strength, my career, my business…..all the principles I preach on Instagram that I follow for the last 6 years. Oh no, nothing like that. I just wasn’t good enough. That’s it. Black and white. I don’t have what it takes.

I was playing for Longford town after this then up to U18. Great team, we did really well some years. In our best year, a Derby County scout was meant to come and watch me and 1 other player on the team in a cup final. Ultimately never showed up (Mam only told me this years later - didn’t want to make me nervous in the game).

And that was pretty much it. Nothing materialised. College came, I dropped off football and went into the college life as you do. Drinking, fun, having the craic, after being a disciplined athlete mostly for my childhood. But deep down……this eat away at me in the background. There was unfinished business I was avoiding.

I knew I hadn’t given it my all. I looked back on my journey and knew I had more to give. My mindset wasn’t right. I didn’t believe in myself at the higher levels. I had shown great potential at times. I had read countless stories of soccer players making it later in life. I knew it didn’t have to be over for me. I was still young.

With this small hope in the back of my mind, I told my close friends that I was going to defer my final year of college and go over to England and live there for a year. Play for local teams and go to every trial possible and give it one last shot. I knew there was a chance I could make it as a professional in the lower leagues. Even semi-professional.

I was betting on me putting my last hope of making it as a soccer player into words would spur me on to ACTUALLY DO IT. I’m proud to say I am a man of my word NOW……but back then I wasn’t. If I promise you something now, if I promise MYSELF something now…..you know its cast iron locked in. I don’t say shit I don’t mean, like a lot of people. That’s pisses me off. Why? Because that’s what I did with myself. And if you can’t even trust your own word, your confidence in yourself as a person starts to slowly erode.

With my lack of self-awareness and undeveloped mindset back then, these words were full of air. I didn’t back up my aspirations with my ACTIONS, like I do now. And the further your actions are from your words, the confidence continually erodes. I ultimately never went to England. Didn’t do one thing about it.

I settled and let the dream drift away. My confidence and zest for life gone with it. And if you follow me on Instagram, you may know settling is not something I like to do!!! I don’t live like that anymore.

The only failure in my eyes now is giving up. Doing my best to make it happen is the VICTORY. The outcome is irrelevant. I am a man of my word. I trust myself. And can say I gave it my all. I can be at peace with myself this way. I am proud as I lay my head on my pillow.

So what was the realisation from all this? The life lessons I learned that changed my life and made me who I am today?

"You don’t get what you deserve, you get what you SETTLE for"

When you look back on your failings in life, there are ALWAYS lessons to be learned. I actually never reflected on this until my mid-20s when I started to make drastic changes in my life and started living a life TRUE TO MYSELF, regardless of the outcome.

I never knew how much this ‘failure’ in my eyes had actually affected me until I was in the airport one day on route to a holiday with an ex gf years later. I was eating and watching a soccer match on tv. I think I saw a player I used to play against on the Connacht squad. Maybe it was Daryl.

I felt sick in my stomach. I felt ashamed. I felt guilt. I felt embarrassed. I didn’t know what was happening. I became overwhelmed with emotion. My gf saw and asked me what was wrong but I couldn’t say anything. I muttered ‘I’m fine’. If I said anything more I’d have burst into tears.

I had stopped watching soccer as I thought I just ‘fell out of love with it’. While that may have been partly true, it was also clear to me now that I stopped watching as I DIDN’T LIKE WHAT REFLECTED BACK AT ME.

I saw others realising their dream. The dream I wanted but settled and gave up on. It highlighted my own failure right back at me. And like most humans, we run from pain and seek pleasure. It’s not easy to face the truth. Even though its the truth that SETS YOU FREE (over time if you lean into it and learn the lesson it’s teaching you).

Most people live in the dark, shoving all their failure into their subconscious and are unaware of it until they have moments like I did above. Carl Jung says it best:

"There is no coming to consciousness without pain”

And now that it was coming into my conscious awareness, how painful it was and how right Carl is.

If you wonder why I am so passionate about NOT SETTLING and living a life TRUE TO MYSELF no matter the outcome……..now you know.

If you wonder why I didn’t settle for my chronic pains and injuries and giving up sports I love after 10 years of being told to give up as my body isn’t able anymore…..now you know.

You know why I didn’t settle for the 9-5 life and made my passion my career, with no education or experience in the field as a starting point.

You know why I don’t settle for ANYTHING in life anymore and why I go on the WARPATH, small gaining my way towards my goals and dreams.

It’s because I NEVER want to feel like that again. EVER. I’ll take any graft, years/decades of hard work and dedication, sacrifice, ANYTHING……..over feeling how I did in that moment looking at that screen.

Another quote puts it perfectly:

"You can suffer from the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”

I was hit hard with the sickening feeling of regret. They were right, the pain of regret is SO MUCH WORSE. I’d pick discipline over it any day, and I have ever since.

I settled back then. I gave up. And I was ashamed of myself. And I ran from it. I never faced it like a man and dealt with my shortcomings and addressed it.

I was embarrassed that I said I’d chase it and go to England and never did. I felt like I let my mam down after all the effort and sacrifice she put in bringing me everywhere and getting involved in all the soccer teams. I saw the tears in her eyes the day she told me I was selected for Ireland trials. I saw how proud she was of me. She didn't give up on me....but I gave up on myself. 

I was ashamed at the man I was becoming. I wasn’t self-aware at all. I didn’t know my values or the man I wanted to be in life. But my subconscious was screaming at me and letting me know. I didn’t know who I wanted to be, but I knew WHO I DIDN’T WANT TO BE.

I didn’t want to be this man who gives up on things, who only half arses it and runs away. The man who lives with ‘what ifs’, and ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’. The man who lives with regrets over who he could have been. The man who is ashamed and embarrassed of himself. A man who looks in the mirror and is not proud of who he sees.

So yep…..I’m in insomnia coffee shop on Drumcondra with tears streaming down my face, and people probably thinking I’m just having a tough Wednesday with work hahaha. Pfff, don’t care. I’m a much different man now. These tears are like one's a beaming father would shed for a son he is proud of.

I’m a man of my word now. I DON’T SETTLE ANYMORE. I live a life true to myself. I follow my heart and passions through to the bitter end. I’ll make them happen or die trying. I fight for what I believe in with all my heart no matter what happens.

I go out on the battlefield of life running with my shield and sword towards the enemy. I’m not hiding behind the safe walls shooting arrows anymore convincing myself I’m the man in the arena.

I’m a man who practices what he preaches. A man of honour, sacrifice and values. A man who will have no regrets. A man who my future kids will be proud to call their father. And most importantly, a man I AM PROUD OF.

And this……is what I want for YOU.

Why? Because you are with yourself 24/7. The most important relationship in the world is the one you have with YOURSELF. And if you aren’t proud of yourself….then it’s not going to be a great life is it?

This lesson was very painful, but it's the most painful lessons that you remember. These are the ones that become the catalyst to CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

This lesson gave me one of my biggest realisations of wisdom that has served me going forward and enabled me to get my PHYSICAL FREEDOM back mobility-wise, get to high levels of strength I wouldn’t have thought was possible for me, and also start my own coaching business from nothing. To live a life of freedom, sharing what I am passionate about and trying to be the change I want to see in the world.

And we are back to the realisation again. The origin of my anti-fragile mindset going forward in my life. When anything gets tough or I want to quit, this is what I say to myself. And part of what keeps me going. I won't ever let myself down like that again. I care about myself too much. As you should about yourself.

“You don’t get what you deserve, you get what you SETTLE for”

This has been my biggest life lesson to date. And it has shaped the last 6 years of my life and given me the life I have today.

You are owed NOTHING in life. Drop the entitlement. You may not ‘deserve’ what has happened to you, but that doesn’t matter. Because none of us get what we deserve, we get what we SETTLE FOR.

The body, mindset & life you want isn’t going to arrive on your doorstep like a fucking amazon prime delivery, you have to go out and GET AFTER IT YOURSELF.

Just like at the end of inception (great movie), when Sato says:

Don't you want to take a leap of faith? Or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone!

The biggest regret on people’s deathbed (from the book top 5 regrets of the dying), is NOT LIVING A LIFE TRUE TO MYSELF. I don’t know a lot of things, but I know one thing - that’s not going to be me………is it going to be you?

Cultivating a mindset and perspective from this realisation has changed my life. This is my ground zero no matter what happens in life. I bring myself back to here, and move forward no matter what.

The truth is, if I didn’t settle years ago and have the pain of those memories…….maybe I would have settled and gave up trying to get my physical freedom back after 10 years and retired from stuff I loved at 25. Maybe I wouldn’t have found my passion for helping people overcome their issues and get back their physical freedom too. I'd have given up and settled on that too. I wouldn’t be a coach, you wouldn't be reading this. I’d probably be back in my 9-5 job I never liked, floating through life avoiding myself and never being at peace with myself. 

We NEED moments like this to show us who we DON’T WANT TO BE. So that we can course correct and make the right decisions when the next opportunities arise to show the world the man/woman you want to be. To show yourself. To allow you to develop into the person you want be proud of.

Just like with my clients - you need enough PAIN TO CHANGE. If your chronic pains & injuries aren’t really fucking annoying you and affecting your sports, quality of life, mindset…..THEN WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE? You wouldn’t. So WE NEED THIS PAIN. This is what drives us to make a change. In mobility and all areas of life.

So do I still have regrets over my past? Nope. I am at peace with it now. I finally learned the lessons I needed to get me to the path I am on now. I buried them deep and ran from them so I never knew what they were trying to teach me.

If I could go back in time would I go to England? You fucking know I would. I’d do everything in my power to make it happen. And I truly believe I would make it as a professional soccer player in some league somewhere in the world.

If I attacked it like I attack life now, I would bet my life on it. But who knows, maybe not. Either way, I’d be proud of myself for not settling and giving it everything. And then if it STILL didn’t happen……I could be at peace with myself and proud of the man I am. The outcome is irrelevant

"Regret is an ache for a different but impossible past. But we can give them time and space to mature and use the insights to actualise our values in the future”

So rather than an exercise in futility (trying to change the past), I’ll give you a more empowering route. Let’s go through some actionable take-aways to help you to pull out insights from your past regrets, so that you can act out of VALUE in the future and live a life you would be proud of.

ACTIONABLE TAKE-AWAYS:

1. Delve into your regrets

• Journal/reflect/talk about your main regret in life

• Feel the emotions. It's ok, it's normal. You have to finally confront them instead of running away

• LOOK INSIDE TO SOLVE INSTEAD OF OUTSIDE TO BLAME. Take ownership and be real with yourself

• Dig deep and IDENTIFY what the ACTUAL regret was (not the surface level one)

(e.g. my regret wasn’t ‘not making it as a professional soccer player’, my regret was settling & giving up on myself, and not living a life true to myself)

2.  Identify your hidden VALUES

• We all have values. If you are unaware of them consciously, they are operating unconsciously under the surface (your conscience lets you know. e.g feeling shit after lying = you value HONESTY)

• Dig deep and pull out the values. Let your conscience & intuition guide you. Only you can lead yourself there.

• From the ashes of your regret, your values will rise like a phoenix. It may take some time, but you will see it

(e.g this let me identify my BIGGEST VALUE IN LIFE: Integrity. It’s my number one value. Living a life true to myself no matter the outcome. And that’s how I live my life the last 6 years and I’m the happiest and most at peace I have ever been. Even though I have become ‘successful’ in certain things, the outcome is irrelevant to me. All that matters is I act in line with my values and the man I want to be).

3. INTEGRATE & cultivate these values into your life

• It may be one value, or it may be many

(e.g it wasn’t just integrity for me. It was honor, courage, discipline, self-awareness, etc etc. Loads)

• Now that you have brought your main values in life from your subconscious into your conscious awareness…..you can start to cultivate them and act like this in your life going forward, and become the person you want to be

• This will be a slow process (but you know the power of SMALL GAINS if you follow me on Instagram ;))

All of my clients are people who don’t want to settle for where they are at in life, and one success story that always pops into my head is Jack Gogarty. He was in a car crash and suffered from chronic back pain. He was diagnosed with bulging discs, osteoporosis & degenerative disc disease. He was forced to give up Gaelic, and on his worst days could barely tie his shoes or walk to the printer in work with the pain. All in his early 20s.

But Jack didn't settle for that and got his PHYSICAL FREEDOM back and was able to play championship football again in Kerry! And still plays to this day years later. What an inspiration.

I think Jack is the real ‘guywhodidntsettle’ to be honest!!!....but that’s the goal. Create an army of people who don't settle and take back control of their body, mindset & life. This gives me such purpose and to be able to have this impact on someone’s life……I am beyond grateful and this is what drives me. I don’t want people to settle and feel how I felt. It doesn’t have to be that way.

What a story and what a man!! For Jack’s full review, click here!

Actually will be meeting Jack on 11th September as we both have tickets to Jordan Peterson! We have arranged to meet a few times but with different stuff on it hasn’t materialised. Looking forward to it! Years in the making. All my clients are online but I am always open to meeting up! Met a different ex-client 2 weeks ago to go bouldering……and ended up in Fibber McGees until 3am on a Tuesday night! haha

I actually interviewed Jack to dissect his insights/lessons/wisdom along his own journey, and have this in the private Facebook Group for clients to be inspired and learn from! It’s always good to see others making it through the journey of getting their physical freedom back besides me! I’m just showing you what's possible if you DON’T SETTLE. And many others have too.

If you want to watch that interview with Jack and get his lessons & insights, just DM me on Instagram and I’ll send it to you for free!

I didn’t go through all this effort, sacrifice & hard work to become a coach to give people ‘exercises’. Any numpty can do that.

I’m here to give people the tools to change their bodies, and the mindset to change their life.

That’s it for this week!

Little update on my week below!

This Week:

Education:

• Reading: Denial of Death (Ernst Becker)

• Podcasts

(Modern Wisdom Podcast - Can men & women be friends again? (James Smith))

(Lex Friedman Podcast - Life, Death, Power, Fame & Meaning (Jordan Peterson))

(Modern Wisdom Podcast - Evolved Psychology vs the Modern World (David & Douglas Kenrick))

Business:

• Some client wins:

2 from clients in the first 6 weeks of their programs!

• Jason woke up feeling better than he can remember in a long time!

(American football - 6 years taking hits as a running back. Chronic back pain)

• Shane was able to go on holidays without upper back pain constantly, A nice win for him not being constantly plagued by his back, and he can see some small gains starting to add up!

Personal:

• Heading home to Roscommon for a quiet weekend with the family after too many weekends of drinking lately! haha

• Want to get some work stuff done tomorrow and also sort out some things I need to buy (socks, tracksuit bottoms etc). Mad exciting shizz this weekend!!

Training:

• 2nd session back at Jiu Jitsu since the knee injury! Ended up doing 3 rolls at like 50/60/70%! Hadn’t planned to go that hard but felt good! Went against the big boyo who I fucked my knee trying to sweep back in May (he’s like 95kg or so, I’m 74kg). He went light and felt good to be back!

• Getting the one-arm chin-up session in today on Sat. Leaving bigger gaps between the sessions and feeling better and making more gains. Takes 90-120 mins too so at the weekend is better to have the time

• Went for first run since the injury. Did just under 5k in the barefoot shoes. Also got leg session in which is focusing mainly on rehab for the knee and building up strength/mobiltiy in the legs again

That’s it! I appreciate you for reading this far and hope you got some value out of it 🙂

Put time in today or tomorrow to do the 3 actions listed above! Put it in your calendar now when the impulse is higher after reading this. You know what happens when you leave things.

Keep up with me on Instagram and the other socials in the meantime until the next newsletter! Enjoy the weekend!!

Don’t Settle,

Mark